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VERSES ON DANGER OF ATTACHING WRONG IDEAS TO WORDS OR EPITHETS, by                 Poet Analysis     Poet's Biography
First Line: Tis not to tell what various mischief springs
Last Line: Resolv'd to post him for an arrant cheat.
Subject(s): Idealism; Language; Words; Vocabulary


'TIS not to tell what various mischief springs
From wrong ideas fix'd to words or things,
When men of hasty and impatient thought
Will not examine matters as they ought;
But snatch the first appearance, nor suspect,
What is too oft the case, their own defect.

Now this defect, upon occasion, makes
The most absurd, ridiculous mistakes,
To say no worse;—for, evils to recite
Of deeper kind, is not our task to night;
But just to versify a case or two,
That grave divines relate; and when they do,
Justly remark, that, in effect, the prone
To hasty judgment makes the case their own.

When Martin Luther first grew into fame,
His followers obtain'd a double name;
Some call'd them Martinists, and some again
Express'd by Lutherans these pious men.
Their meaning was the same, and same the ground;
But mark the force of diff'rence in the sound:—
Two zealous proselytes to his reform,
Which then had rais'd an universal storm,
Meeting by chance upon a public walk,
Soon made religion subject of their talk;
Its low condition both dispos'd to own,
And how corrupt the church of Rome was grown.
In this preliminary point indeed,
Tho' strangers to each other, they agreed;
But, as the times had bred some other chiefs,
Who undertook to cure the common griefs,
They were oblig'd, by farther hints, to find
If in their choice they both were of a mind.
After some winding of their words about,
To seek this secondary problem out,
I am, declar'd the bolder of the two,
A Martinist, and so, I hope, are you.
'No,' said the other, growing somewhat hot,
'But I'll assure you, Sir, that I am not;
'I am a Lutheran, and live or die,
'Shall not be any thing besides, not I.'
If not a Martinist, his friend replied,
Truly I care not what you are beside.
The fray began, which critics may suppose,
But for spectators, would have come to blows;
And so they parted, matters half discuss'd,
With equal tokens of complete disgust.

The prose account in Doctor More, I think,
Relates this story of two clowns in drink.
The verse has cloth'd it in a different strain:
But either way this gentle hint is plain,
That 'tis a foolish bus'ness to commence
Disputes on words, without regard to sense.

Such was the case of these two partizans;
Another I have heard, a single man's,
Still more absurd, if possible, than this:
Must I go on and tell it you? (Chorus.) "Yes, yes."

A certain artist, I forget his name,
Had got for making spectacles a fame,
Or HELPS TO READ, which when they first were sold,
Was written, on his glaring sign, in gold.
And for all uses to be had from glass,
His were allow'd all others to surpass.
There came a man into his shop one day,
'Are you the spectacle-contriver, pray?'
Yes, Sir, said he, I can in that affair
Contrive to please you, if you want a pair.
'Can you? Pray do then.' So at first he chose
To place a youngish pair across his nose,
And book produc'd, to see how they would fit;
Ask'd how he lik'd 'em—'Like 'em! not a bit!'
Then, Sir, I fancy, if you please to try,
These in my hand will better suit your eye.
'No, but they don't.' Well, come, Sir, if you please,
Here is another sort, we'll now try these;
Still somewhat more they magnify the letter,
Now, Sir. 'Why now—I'm not a bit the better.'
No! Here take these, that magnify still more;
How do they fit? 'Like all the rest before.'

In short, they tried a whole assortment thro',
But all in vain, for none of them would do.
The Operator much surpris'd to find
So odd a case, thought—sure the man is blind!
What sort of eyes can you have got? said he;
'Why, very good ones, friend, as you may see.'
Yes, I perceive the clearness of the ball:
Pray, let me ask you, can you read at all?
'No, you great blockhead! If I could, what need
'Of paying you for any HELPS TO READ?'
And so he left the maker in a heat,
Resolv'd to post him for an arrant cheat.





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